First Day of New Recovery Program
I have been in recovery for a while, but I have been waiting for doctors to help me so finally I decided to help my damn self. I started going to an OA group (Over eaters anonymous) and basically they specialize in people with anorexia and bulimia as well as over eating). At least the one I went to yesterday. I got a newbie packet with a lot of great info. I am doing it with a friend who is recovering from anorexia. So we are both having different struggles,but both doing everything we can to get better and want to live.
Before, I was just doing “binge and purge less” but that’s bull shit. Yes it’s good, but I have to get serious. it hit me when I was visiting my step dad in the hospital and it was going to be a day I allowed myself to binge and purge. That is all I could think about while he laid there, basically dying. All I could think about was bingeing and purging. All I could think about was what was I going to eat where would I get it how I would purge.
It’s sad. It’s pathetic. So in the book it basically has a plan to follow. Well lots of different plans, but all basically learning to eat. More of guidelines than anything else. They encourage people to see their doctors, but sometimes getting into the doctor takes for fucking ever.
So here I am, taking my recovery into my own hands. I know I could have eaten “better” or “more” or more healthy foods. But plain and simple, I am broke until pay day (couple more days). I basically bped the rest of my check after rent, my phone has been shut off, and I am just eating the food I have. It wasn’t fruits or veggies or healthy food because bulimia makes me want to binge and purge on the more food, cheaper, the better. So the healthy stuff never got eaten and would get wasted. I just gave into the bulimia and wasted so much money. I am also behind on bills because before just a few months ago I thought I wouldn’t live long enough to see the repercussions of it. I didn’t have a plan to kill myself, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle life much longer and overdosing seemed like the easiest way. There have been several times in just the last year where I have taken too many pills and gone to sleep, praying it would my last night. Each time I woke up, sobbing, because it didn’t work. I didn’t want to obviously overdose, I wanted people to think I just died in my sleep. But that meant not enough pills to kill me. Which I am grateful for now.
Before now I have been half assing recovery, but I am ready to give it my all. It’s so much easier when I don’t have to do it alone.